246th entry:


i teared all the way back home.
not because of what he said.
but what the words he said triggered the emotions i tried to mask over for a long period of time.
the bus ride home today felt long.
wanted to get down somewhere and walk home,
to save myself from the embarrassment of crying in the public.
i just couldnt stop crying.
people around me saw me crying.
i wanted to stop.
but tears kept flowing out.

i had been wondering,
why didn't my grandfather bring me with him away when he left us?
peacefully.
i always think that if he did that,
i would probably be saved from all these ugly unwanted memories and experienced.
i would never ever come across the ugly side of this heartless, cold world.

then i began to ponder,
about why my parents had me?
when they already had my brother and sister.
why me to add on the their burden?
without me, my parents could proudly say that their kids are all in universities.
they need to wait only two to three more years to enjoy life.

i always think that without me,
the world will still be the same.
the Earth will still rotate;
everyone's life will still remain.
why add me on to this planet?
with me,
true friends of mine will be so heartbroken to see this entry;
people who cares about will be so sad to see me leavng this world.

why am i here to create problems for everyone?
why am i here to waste the limited resources on the planet?
why am i here to take up extra space, extra feelings, extra materials?
why am i here to create problems for everyone?

i think im kind of reaching the limit that i can go.
im going to go soon.
it's just a matter of time.
my heart is dead.
my passion's lost.
my soul is gone.
whatever left in front of you,
it's just a plain living creature,
with no heart, no love, no feelings, no soul.

i took some many things in my life for granted.
i hope that they'll return to my side one day.
my friends.
my happy moments.
my passion.
my feelings.
my heart.
my soul.

im left with nothing now.
nothing.
just a empty shell,
of a creature called wanting.
other than this,
im nothing.

nothing at all.

im only left with responsibilty.
responsible to the duties given to me.
by my parents;
by my tutors;
by my friends;
and nothing else.

this is the world.
the world that im living in.
i hate this.
really.

ugly world.
terrrible world.
disgusting world.


i wish to return to my childhood.
i had everything;
other than stress.
the world of mine wasnt polluted;
the world of mine was not ugly.
it was like the heaven.
there wasn't anything under the term ugly.
there wasn't anything associated with sad.
there wasn't anything that brings stress.
there wasn't.

unlike now.
my whole entire life is ugly.
my whole entire life is filled with sadness.
my whole entire life is stressful.

im giving up.
im tired.
physically;
mentally;
emotionally.
there's a limit to things that people can do.
and im reaching this limit.

im not whatever you guys think i am.
im not whatever you guys say i am.
I AM NOT.
stop putting false image onto me and my name.
GIVE ME A BREAK.

well, to this point of time,
giving me a break no longer matters.
I GAVE UP.
my heart's gone.
my passion's gone.
my soul's gone.

wanting's dead.-